Feedback to a Non-Competitive Bargainer
My students write weekly journal entries about their experiences in practice negotiation sessions. I use these journals to enter into a coaching dialogue with my students. For my feature article on this month's email newsletter, I want to quote some feedback I gave to one student, a very sweet and talented person whose natural style is not very competitive. I wanted to quote it because I have frequently given much this same feedback to others, and many newsletter subscribers may find it useful:
What you're experiencing is the power of the expectations game - your beliefs and expectations - on the outcome. Here's the psychology of how this may have played out for you: 1) "I'm too nice." 2) "I fear losing." 3) "She offered a good price - yay! I can relax." 4) "I had better throw another higher number out there." 5) "If I don't get my new number it's okay because I'm already ahead of where I feared I might be. I didn't lose." 6) "She can have her number."
If this is accurate, then by beginning with a fear based narrative, you set yourself up with an implicit goal: don't lose. Well, that makes sense: you're not a competitive type. But it's also true that, in life, you will sometimes be negotiating on behalf of others, and even if you're not competitive, very caring, relationship based people can adapt their expectations by recognizing 1) their needs and wants are as legitimate as anyone else's: you would not relax your attempt to help another, so why shortchange yourself? and 2) in many situations in life, the deals you strike will impact others, whose needs and wants are important, who rely on you to stand for them. Sometimes, non-competitive people can find the motivation to compete because they want to be able to serve others well. Maybe this will work for you, and maybe not, but I offer this set of ideas as a way to perhaps help you reframe your approach to negotiation, so that you can use your admirable relationship-based negotiating skills to maximum effect. There is much potential in you there.
We can go through the mechanics of the situation analysis of the bargaining interaction as you have done, and I think all your observations are on point. I have little to add other than to validate your thinking. But on another level, working to make technical adjustments will only go so far if you cannot find within yourself the space to believe that getting the best deal you can is a good thing. When we enter these situations "not to lose," poor outcomes are the habitual, self-fulfilling result. I will point out and emphasize, however, that you did very well getting the other side to make the first offer in this case (since your did not have an informational advantage going into the bargaining process). Well done.
I hope you take all this in the spirit in which it is intended. I'm quite pleased with your learning and progress. Keep it up! If my thoughts here feel off base to you, I certainly defer to your own knowledge of yourself as the final word: I don't know you well and am responding in large part through the lens of much of my experience working with many people over the years.